What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 02.07.2025 02:51
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I was very sick at this time too.
Why is it that women are stronger than men nowadays?
So, i spoilt her more .
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Why did i forgive my father ?
What are some good sunscreens for a teen with oily skin?
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
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It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
We were not on the streets..
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
How can a 54-year-old man build muscle without using steroids?
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I couldn’t, believe it.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
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I said to her
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Do happily married husbands cheat?
I don,t even have a pension.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
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I waited trembling.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
This is how, and why children get BPD.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
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Where the ultimate outsiders.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I will be 64.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I could never make a relationship work though!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I was seconnd youngest,
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I think the readers, may guess!
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
We all went to grammer schools
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
She found it foreign!.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
All the time i was locked up.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
My family never makes their pension either.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
It was going to be , some day.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I never cut or harmed myself..
This is soul school!.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
(And it was in our own minds.)
She wouldn,t have been !
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Was to survive, this bastard.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Especially a lifetime of it.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
When she asked me how she looked .
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
But it wasn’t much.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Who then, do I blame.?
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
But, we were locked up after school.
My life is so biszare .
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I was scared of men, in general
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Comes on , in middle age.
Im still living with it.
She loved him until the end.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I write beautiful poetry .
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Put me off passion for life!!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
He resisted the act ,that day.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
As i do to all so called friends.?
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
She was in good health!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
And i lived it daily.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Would this be the day?
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
So whats the point in blame.
He knew the spot.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Ive learnt so much.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I have no regrets .
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I was 9 years of age.
One cannot live in the past .
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
She married twice! .
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
But ive been too sick for many years..
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
What did i know ?
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!